When I first saw the video for twattoos, I didn’t think much of it. Bemused, I filed it away under stupid shit that people do, like vodka eyeballing and wearing UGGs. But then I started seeing it circulate the web, on blogs and current events sites. I heard ladies talk about cunt coif coloring, topiary-like pubic hair designs, and finally vajazzling. That’s when I drew the line. I don’t usually have strong opinions on what people do with or to their nether regions. I’m pretty reserved when it comes to proverbially sticking my nose in other people’s privates. I may or may not declare myself a feminist simply because I don’t want to get beat up by girls. But when this new trend in vaginal ornamentation started to pick up steam, I found myself wanting to protest.
Back in 1999, I turned eighteen and hopped on the body piercing bandwagon. It resulted in ten piercings, six of which I still had today. Friends and strangers understandably assumed I’d gotten my clit or labia pierced, namely because I was known for making idiotic decisions and I was stupidly skewering myself with metal. "No way," I’d reply. "God made that part of me perfect." I understood the desire to adorn certain parts. I’ve had my nipples pierced not once, but twice. The idea of having a needle put down there, though? Only if it was medically necessary. And even then, I’d have to be sedated.
I bring this up to illustrate the fact that I don’t personally subscribe to much by way of external enhancement of my genitals, other than grooming habits that might be considered severe in some circles. But other than that, I like to leave that part of me alone. After all, I wouldn’t want to fuck with it since it works pretty well without any additional bells and whistles.
Vaginas are complex and often fickle. As women, we’re forced to deal with an onslaught of fish mongering jokes and references to Summer’s Eve commercials in school. (Or maybe that was just on Long Island. Represent.) While I might shrug off a lot of the more angry tirades of the grrl power sect, I will agree that – in general – girls are societally forced to take on a mantle of shame when it comes to their vaginas. Case in point: I am not using the word "va-jay-jay" or "hooha," no matter how tempting it might be. I still feel that vagina is a bit harsh, that it has an icky connotation. But no amount of Swarovski crystals or puffy paint on my mons pubis is going to change that.
As a woman who has dated both genders, I consider myself a bit of an authority on genitals. A connoisseur, if you will. I’m not going to say that the vag is a supermodel orifice. It isn’t. But it’s like the Tina Fey of organs: quirky, brilliant, hilarious, and actually quite cute. I argue that penises, while awkward and comedic in their own right, lack the same sort of personality. Could you imagine a cock surrounded by rhinestones? Or, to keep it in line with gender binaries, intentional three-day stubble? I was going to suggest intentional bike grease stains, but then this becomes a whole other post entirely. Men don’t feel the need to embellish their members, and I suspect that part of the reason why is because they’ve never seen a need to. Women have been forced to fear the reaction to their most sacred parts, and I’m assuming that’s the reason why some have decided to pay money to have something bizarre and bewildering done to their bits. Ladies, if you want to make it more appealing, why not simply tape a photograph of a pizza down there? Or a cupcake? Something mouth-watering might be more apropos, as opposed to sparkly moonbeams or airbrushed insects.
This wholly ridiculous need to garnish the dish comes with a hefty pricetag. Coloring your pubic hair is one of the most reasonable options, costing $14.99 from Betty. (It’s marked down from $19.99.) Betty specializes in "color for the hair down there," and they offer colors from aqua to ruby red, along with stencils ($7.99) and "Alphabetty" crystals ($2.99) in the shape of, you guessed it, letters. Other stenciling kits, available from companies like the amusingly named Designer Jungles, cost anywhere from $65 to $4.99 and allow you to do the landscaping yourself. Going to the pros is going to cost you more, with the average cost of a bikini wax being between $30 and $100, depending on what you have done.
Twattooing – or temporary twa…tattooing, since there are people who actually get inked by their honeypot – is quite a bit steeper. This asinine airbrushing of accents costs $115, which includes the price of the requisite Brazilian wax. Also called "vattooing," these designs last seven days if you don’t rub ‘em up against anything. Which seems pretty stupid ’cause isn’t that the point? It’s also astutely been pointed out that this rules out masturbation. If you notice one of your female coworkers suddenly acting high-strung, maybe she ponied up for some pigment, only to find that she couldn’t participate in any finger-painting on her own.
Want your labia to feel like they’re in a dance recital? Get vajazzled. The application of crystals over a newly-waxed pubic area was made famous by Jennifer Love-Hewitt on some stupid nighttime talk show. I am not linking to her admission of a bejeweled bikini line, because she finishes it with a coup de grace: a demure little raising of the eyebrows to signify that lunacy is somehow sexy. It is not. But if you want to make oral sex even more humiliating for your partner, you have two options. One, get a Brazilian wax at a salon that offers this stupid service. It will cost anywhere from $25, plus the cost of the wax, to $120 for everything. You can also buy the crystal designs for between $15 and $25, but then you have to make sure you apply it to a clean slate. You could also splurge for the $25 "breast + vajazzle combo," where you get jewels for your ‘gina as well as stones for your sweater-puppies. The main vajazzling website also offers "wholesale vajazzling," which makes it sound like a nice way of saying they will add some sparkle to a vagina so cavernous it could be an Ikea storeroom.
While writing about the method and cost of vajazzling might make my mind rot a little, reading the list of "5 Reasons to Vajazzle" was enough to make me want to vomit into my underwear drawer. See below:
"5 Reasons to Vajazzle
1. Celebrate a girls night out
2. The look on your man’s face when you show off your vajazzle to him
3. Make the other ladies at the beach or pool jealous
4. Reward yourself for all your hard work
5. Get over your ex-boyfriend"
Personally, being vajazzled would fill me with shame and make me want to hide. It’s an act that would make me want to join a convent and refer to my ex as "the last person who will ever date me." But who am I to judge? I’m covered in tattoos, have glorified barbecue skewers through my nipples, and remove all of my pubic hair more regularly than I wash my socks. Although I can’t quite make peace with vaginal embellishment or vajazzling, I might just get on board for Clitter.
